Couples who had been married for at least 50 years were asked to give advice on how to make marriage last. As you can imagine, there was quite a variety of responses, but there were also some common threads in most successful marriages. Here is a brief list of advice on how to make your marriage thrive and survive the ups and downs of life:

  • A Christ-centered marriage has Christ (and not individuals) at its core.
  • Be committed to your marriage, no matter what.
  • Love and respect each other.
  • Forgive one another as Christ forgave you.
  • Have fun together.
  • Go to church, live the Bible—don’t just know it..
  • You have to be willing to give and take.
  • You can’t speak everything you think.
  • Keep courting and encouraging one another.
  • Trust each other and trust the Lord.
  • Remember, you are not your mate’s Holy Spirit.
  • There’s power in praying together.

These points are all great advice, and a few of these have also been foundational in my marriage to Sharon.

Ultimately, our marriage is not about us

If Christ is at the center of my marriage it will point others to Christ and be a living model of illustrating the relationship between Christ and his bride, the church. Our love and sacrifice for each other will never compare to God’s perfect love for us, but that’s what we are to aim for. As we sacrificially love and respect each other, our kids, our friends, our co-workers, and our neighbors should all get a glimpse of the love and character of Jesus by observing our marriage relationship. Our goal is not happiness. Our goal is loving Jesus and each other. Happiness will follow.

There is no plan “B”

I went into our marriage with the mindset that it was a lifelong commitment. I had no other plans if things didn’t turn out as I expected. I don’t even entertain those thoughts. That doesn’t mean that Sharon and I never experience pain or disappointment. It just means we realize that we are committed to each other for life and it’s in our best interest to make our relationship the best it can be. If you are not investing in your relationship, you are hurting yourself as well as your spouse. Why wouldn’t you want to improve your marriage?

Forgive quickly, forgive often

If you are seldom asking your spouse’s forgiveness, it may not be because you are an awesome spouse. Maybe your pride or your general cluelessness has prevented you from acknowledging your spouses pain and hurt. We need to be ready and willing to admit our wrongs and be committed to talking through, and resolving our conflicts in a timely manner. In 29 years of marriage we have only had two occasions where we couldn’t resolve or hurts that same day. And that was mainly due to the fact that the hurt was caused so late at night. Be vigilant and guard your relationship. Don’t give the enemy an opportunity to plant seeds of bitterness and resentment.

Have fun together

I tend to take my responsibilities very seriously and sometimes have missed opportunities to just have fun—both with my wife and my kids. Of course we need to be responsible spouses and parents, but we also need to have some fun. We want to make developing our relationship with our spouse something we cherish and are excited about, not something we are obligated to do. Take time to laugh together, be silly, adventurous, or just enjoy quiet moments together. The latter can be a challenge with small kids, but if you really want to, you’ll find ways.

Don’t be your spouse’s Holy Spirit

I made a decision early on in our marriage that although God intends me as husband to be the spiritual head of our family, I was not going to usurp the work of the Holy Spirit and try to be that voice to my wife. There may be things that the Holy Spirit reveals to you concerning your spouse, but that doesn’t mean you need to immediately share those things with them. The Holy Spirit has a purpose and plan for each of us. He will speak to each of us when the time is right. And he might use you to do that with your spouse, but you need to be patient and sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s timing. For example, there was something that I wanted to discuss with Sharon from very early on in our marriage, but instead decided to wait until the Holy Spirit prompted me to share it. It was nearly 20 years before that time came, but when it did, the Holy Spirit was clearly in the midst of it, and that made all the difference in the world.

What are some foundational principles in your marriage? What are those truths that steer you in times of trouble and get you back on the road to a healthy, fulfilling marriage? Do you have a vision for your marriage 10 years, 25 years, 50 years from now?