Last month we talked about developing and maintaining healthy communication as you parent your kids. The skills you learn to communicate in respectful, honoring ways will come in handy when you need to resolve your conflicts. Healthy communication and conflict resolution are really two sides of the same coin. They work together to create a marriage of love, trust, and understanding. So, this month we examine how to resolve those conflicts that inevitably pop up—especially as we parent our kids.

If you want to maintain an intimate, connected relationship with your spouse, you want to be continually talking things through, and working to resolve your conflicts. That process will be much easier if you aren’t holding onto past hurts and unresolved conflicts—it’s what we like to call having a “clean slate”. By doing that, you only have to deal with the most recent conflict because you have already talked through, and forgiven each other for anything in the past. You’re not bringing old hurts into new conflicts and using them as ammunition to inflict new wounds. Jesus wants us to live in Freedom. He said the “Truth will set us free”.  As we are honest with ourselves and each other and practice the Truth found in the Bible regarding confession, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation, we will live in Freedom.

So, we will be looking at the steps we need to take to resolve our conflicts and live in freedom. But first, let’s take a closer look at why we all have conflicts in the first place.

“Our biggest problem is not what’s OUTSIDE of us—but what’s INSIDE of us.”

Why do we have so many conflicts?

Have you ever thought about WHY you have so many conflicts? The simple answer is our spouse and our kids become obstacles to our happiness. They can say or do things that get us upset. The real question is, WHY do we get so upset? There can be a number of factors, but it mostly comes down to selfishness. We have created our own little kingdoms and we don’t like it when our spouse and kids don’t follow our kingdom rules. When our spouse and kids are meeting the demands of our wants, needs, and feelings, life is good and there is no conflict. But when they become an obstacle in the way of our wants, needs, and feelings we have a hard time hiding our disappointment, impatience, and irritation. Conflict becomes inevitable.

Here’s a truth, when you really understand it and believe it, will transform your relationships—and how you resolve conflicts.

Our biggest problem is not what’s OUTSIDE of us—our spouse, our kids, our circumstances—our biggest problem is what’s INSIDE of us—a heart that still has a tendency to sin. It’s what’s INSIDE us—inside our heart—that determines what we say and how we behave. “for with the heart a person believes” (Rom 10:10). And what we believe will determine everything we do. You may not realize it, but you’re in a war! Not a war with your spouse or your kids—though it may feel that way at times. There is a war being fought for control of your heart. There is a constant war being fought in all our hearts between the kingdom of self and the kingdom of God. Every battle you have with other people is the result of that deeper war.

“There is a constant war being fought in all our hearts between the kingdom of self and the kingdom of God. Every battle you have with other people is the result of that deeper war.”

So as we discuss the process of resolving our conflicts we need to understand that our conflicts have more to do with what’s INSIDE of us than what’s OUTSIDE of us. It’s important to understand that when we are in conflict with our spouse or our kids, they are not our enemy. Our conflicts reveal more about what’s going on in our own heart than in the heart of anyone else who hurt us. When we really understand that and BELIEVE it, we can enter into the process of resolving our conflicts with humility—focusing more on our own heart than on what the other person said or did to us.

If you don’t understand this truth and really believe it, all your conflict resolution efforts will be focused on fixing the person who hurt you and getting them to follow your kingdom rules. Instead, we need to look at our own hearts first to see what the Holy Spirit is wanting to do in us.
We need to deal with the log that’s in our own eye first. Then we can see clearly enough to address any issues involving our spouse.

Steps to resolving your conflicts

Now that we have laid the proper foundation of seeing and understanding that our spouse is not our biggest problem—let’s look at some practical steps to resolving conflicts in a healthy way.

Calm down and get some perspective

When you’ve been hurt or are being overwhelmed with emotion during a conflict, you need to take a break, calm down, and get some perspective. You are experiencing a physiological change in your body called “flooding”. Your heart rate, blood pressure, and adrenaline increase and you cannot think clearly. This is no time to try communicating or resolving anything with your spouse. Let them know you need to take a break to calm down and will come back later to talk things through. It’s important to follow through with that and not ignore the issue.

Take some deep breaths and try to think of positive things regarding your spouse. Even though you feel very hurt in the moment, there are things you love about them. Don’t let the enemy drive a wedge between you while you are apart and waiting to talk again. This is a great time to ask God what He wants to say to you and get His perspective on the conflict. Whether you are the one feeling attacked, or the attacker, there is probably something God wants to reveal to you. You can bring this new perspective back to your conversation when you resume talking with your spouse.

Use your Active Listening skills

Once you’ve calmed down and understand why you feel hurt—or why you reacted in a hurtful way—ask your spouse if they are ready to discuss things. If they are, use your Active Listening skills focusing on feelings. Share how it made you feel when they said or did something that was hurtful. Don’t be accusatory. Just share how what they did made you feel and try to explain your feelings so that they can understand the impact they had. If you were the offender, do the same. Let your spouse know what set you off and how you were feeling when you reacted in a hurtful way. Don’t make excuses, but be willing to be vulnerable and share your feelings and emotions with your spouse.

Here’s the thing…when resolving conflicts, the facts don’t really matter until you both feel heard, validated, and understood. So don’t focus on right and wrong. Focus on how you feel. None of us actually live life according to the facts of a matter, but according to our interpretation of the facts. You can have the same exact event interpreted differently by 10 different people. So first focus on how your spouse affected you and how you felt. After the relationship is restored, you can discuss your interpretation of the facts.

Confess and take responsibility for your part

It’s rare when there is only one party at fault in a conflict. Usually, both parties have some responsibility in the conflict. After you have shared your heart with your spouse and feel they have understood you, it’s good to acknowledge your part in the conflict and accept responsibility for your actions. Sometimes this will take some reflection to see your part in things. If you are unaware of contributing anything to the conflict, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal your heart so you can see clearly. This is best done while you are calming down and taking time to understand the situation and trying to figure out why you feel the way you do. As in all these steps, humility and grace are required to communicate love to your spouse and help them feel safe, so they can be honest and vulnerable.

Give and receive forgiveness

After you have both shared your hearts with each other and feel heard and understood, and you have acknowledged your responsibility in the conflict, it’s time to ask and receive forgiveness. If you have done the other steps genuinely and with humility and grace, this step is actually pretty easy. Depending on the hurt inflicted, it may take a bit longer to feel connected and restored to your spouse, but you must commit to completely forgive them and not hold onto resentment. If your spouse has a pattern of repeating the same issue with little or no progress, you may need some additional help from a pastor or trusted friend to get to the root of the issue. Or maybe some marriage mentoring or professional counseling would help. But do everything you can to completely forgive your spouse and live your life in freedom.

Once the relationship is restored, strategize

Once you go through all those steps, now you can calmly discuss strategies for trying to avoid similar conflicts in the future. It’s important to do these steps in sequence. If you try to do these steps out of sequence it usually doesn’t go well. Brainstorm with your spouse things you could do that would be helpful for both of you. This is where you need to learn the art of compromise. And this is where Active Listening skills also come in handy.
Try to listen “between the lines” to really understand what your spouse needs and wants. Use clarifying questions if you still don’t understand.

If you follow these steps when resolving your conflicts, and make them a regular part of your relationship, you’ll find that conflict can actually build greater intimacy as you share your hearts with each other and discover that you can safely talk with each other about anything and still be accepted, valued, and loved.