Happy New Year!

For many, the start of a new year holds the promise of fresh starts and new beginnings—a chance to hit the reset button, to get a do-over. Resolutions are sincerely made but seldom kept. Old patterns find their way back into our routines. The best of intentions get sidelined by the challenges and busyness of life. For many, their success—or failure—will pivot on whether they have someone to help them achieve their goals. Let’s be honest, it’s hard to bring about lasting change when it’s all up to us to make it happen. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

This month, as we wrap up our series on marital harmony in parenting, we examine the importance of working together as a team. Unfortunately, there are far too many single parents struggling to raise their kids on their own. The effects of sin and brokenness can take a heavy toll on the family. But God never intended parents to walk alone. He designed the family to have a father and mother because he knew how integral each would be to the development and well-being of the family. And even a father and mother need help. Look at what the Bible says about this:

“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

A husband and wife working together as a team can have each other’s back and fight the enemy together. When we try to live life on our own, we are easy prey for the enemy to destroy. And, we are even stronger when we invite the third person—God’s power and presence into our lives. He makes our bond even stronger! We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. The bottom line is we are much better, stronger, and more effective when we work together as a team. God designed it that way!

So, what can we do to work together better with our spouse as a team? Let’s look at some characteristics that help you and your spouse work as a team and some things that can work against that.

Team Builders

Healthy Communication

Healthy Communication builds a greater sense of “we-ness”. When we are respectful and honor each other, we function well as a team.

Resolving Conflicts

If we are to work well as a team, we need to take responsibility for our part, talk things through, and restore our relationship so that once again we seek what’s best for our spouse.

Humility

It’s very difficult to do the first two things if you aren’t aware of your own sin, weakness, and failure. You want to develop an attitude of humility in your relationship.

Grace

And to do that, it will take Grace. Your awareness of your own need for God’s grace—and your spouse’s grace—will prompt you to extend that same grace to your spouse.

Forgiveness

Someone who is a team builder will value their relationship enough to sacrifice their own agenda and pride to seek forgiveness and restore their relationship.

Connection

Once forgiveness is granted and the relationship is restored, you will experience greater connection and intimacy. Team builders value connection over the need to be right.

Accepting Influence

Greater connection will lead to a willingness to share influence and power in decision-making—in the big and small issues of family life.

Supportive

The good feelings you get from working as a team with your spouse will compel you to protect what you have built, and you will be supportive of your spouse, especially in front of your kids.

Team Busters

Critical/Defensive

…but, when you consistently resort to being critical of your spouse or get defensive when your own behavior is challenged, you derail any efforts to function as a team.

Stubborn/Resentful

…it’s impossible to work as a team if you are stubborn and resentful toward your spouse because they hurt you in their words or actions.

Pride

…if instead you hold onto self-righteousness and pride, you will NOT want to do the things necessary to build a relationship characterized by humility and flexibility.

Accusatory/Blaming

…if however, you see yourself as the one who is always right, you will tend to accuse and blame your spouse for any conflicts or problems that arise.

Resentment

…someone who is more concerned about being right and getting payback for the wrongs they suffered will hold onto their hurt and nurse resentment.

Isolation

…those who don’t value working as a team will sacrifice their connection with their spouse to maintain and justify their stance and choose to isolate themselves instead.

Close-Minded

…living with stubborn pride, resentment, and isolation leads to being close-minded. You’re no longer open to input from your spouse. It’s your way or the highway.

Selfish

…if you don’t see your spouse as an equal, valuable member of your team, you will look to your own interests, not the interests of others. Your job will be to look out for number 1.

Pray Together

All the things we listed to help us work together as a team can only happen by the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit working in our lives. The longer you are a parent, the more you will realize how dependent you are on God’s grace and power of the Holy Spirit to work in your lives—and the lives of your kids. So, we need to deepen our relationship with God the Father. We need wisdom from above and guidance to raise the precious lives entrusted to us. We need to deepen the unity, trust, and understanding in our own marriage relationship. And we need to entrust the future of our kids to the one who loves them even more than we do. So we come to our God in prayer asking Him to do what only he can do—change our hearts and our kid’s hearts. If you believe that nothing of eternal value happens apart from God’s work in your life and your kids’ lives, praying is one of the most important things you can do.

This year, make a resolution to work together better as a team—in your marriage and in your parenting. You can do it with the help of your spouse, by God’s grace and the power of the Holy Spirit.

“So we come to our God in prayer asking Him to do what only he can do—change our hearts and our kid’s hearts.”