Last month we looked at some myths about marriage and what really makes a marriage work. This month we continue our series on Dr. John Gottman’s classic book about marriage relationships, “The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work” and examine six signs that you may be having trouble in your marriage.

When predicting if a couple will divorce, or stay happily married, Dr. Gottman looks at how that couple argues. He found that marriages break up not because they argue, but because of how they argue. He was able to isolate six signs that signal trouble in a marriage. Briefly, here are the six signs that your marriage is in trouble.

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The First Sign: Harsh Startup
  • Beginning a conversation with a critical/sarcastic comment or gesture
  • A harsh startup dooms your conversation to failure
  • If you have a harsh startup, take a break (15-20 minutes), start over, apologize, and soften your startup
The Second Sign: The Four Horsemen

Horseman 1: Criticism

  • Complaints are good, Criticism is bad. Complaints address specific actions or behaviors. Criticism is more global. It adds negative words about the person’s character or personality.
  • Pervasive criticism paves the way for the other, far deadlier horsemen.

Horseman 2: Contempt

  • The worst of the four horsemen, is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust.
  • Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor are all contempt.
  • Contempt leads to more conflict rather than reconciliation.
  • Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner. You’re more likely to have such thoughts if your differences are not resolved.

Horseman 3: Defensiveness

  • Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. (The problem isn’t me, it’s you)
  • Defensiveness escaltes the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly. Defensiveness usually leads to more attacking from the spouse.

Horseman 4: Stonewalling

  • The end result of the other three horsemen
  • Stonewalling is more common among men, though husband and wife can both be stonewallers.
  • Usually arrives later in the course of marriage since it takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes a “reasonable” out.
The Third Sign: Flooding
  • Flooding occurs when your spouses negativity—whether in the form of criticism, contempt, or even defensiveness—is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked.
  • Flooding is actually a physiological condition characterized by increased heart rate, adrenaline, & blood pressure.
  • When you are flooded you cannot think clearly, or talk rationally. You need to take a break (20-30 minutes).
The Fourth Sign: Body Language
  • Men and Women really are different. Hormones, brain chemistry, stress management.
  • When flooding occurs you experience physical changes—increased heart rate, hormonal changes (adrenaline), rise in blood pressure, etc.
  • Recurring flooding can lead to divorce for two reasons:
  1. It signals that at least one partner feels severe emotional distress when dealing with the other
  2. The physical sensations of feeling flooded—increased heart rate, sweating, etc. make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.
  • When either partner begins to feel flooded routinely, the relationship is in serious trouble.
The Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts
  • Repair attempts are efforts the couple makes to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion.
  • Repair attempts can “put on the brakes” so flooding is prevented. It helps maintain positivity.
The Sixth Sign: Bad Memories
  • Negativity not only puts a couples present and future life at risk, but past memories can be re-written as well.
  • Distorted memories can recast everything a spouse does—or did—in a negative light

If these are present in your relationship, do not ignore them, but be intentional to change the way you argue with each other. No matter what the current state of your relationship is, following the Seven Principles could lead to dramatic, positive change. But the first step toward improving or enhancing your marriage is to understand what happens when the Seven Principles are not followed—as evidenced by the six signs of trouble above. Once you come to understand why some marriages fail and how the Seven Principles could prevent such tragedies, you’ll be on your way to improving your own marriage forever.