Have you ever wondered why some couples just seem to get along better than others? There are a variety of reasons why this happens and no two couples are exactly alike, but Dr. Gottman has found that Healthy Couples have a few things in common—Healthy Habits—that keep their relationship on-track. Its been said that when you get married you should choose your ruts (habits) wisely, because your likely to be in them a long time.

As promised, this month we look at seven habits of healthy couples. Maybe your marriage could benefit from changing some of your less productive habits to these healthy habits. To learn more about these habits in-depth, read Dr. Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”.

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There are simple steps you can take to keep your marriage alive and healthy. Here are some ideas, which are described in detail in John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, that have been gleaned from over 20 years of research with hundreds of couples:

1. Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (and half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years). Meaning the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.

2. Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every angry thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.

3. Be careful how you “start up” a conversation. Arguments first “start up” because a spouse sometimes escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a dramatic, or angry or upsetting remark in a confrontational tone.

4. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, “Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready,” a husband who replies “My plans are set, and I’m not changing them,” is a guy in a shaky marriage. A husband’s ability to be influenced by his wife is so critical because, research shows, women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband is able to do so as well.

5. Happy couples had high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.

6. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; throwing in some humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark (“I understand that this is hard for you”); making it clear you’re on common ground (“This is our problem”); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way (“I really appreciate and want to thank you for…”).

7. Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, couples make five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship (“We laugh a lot” as opposed to “We never have fun”) than negative ones. A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make frequent deposits to your emotional bank account.

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Taken from “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. ©1999. For more info about Dr. John Gottman or his books visit www.Gottman.com.