what-did-you-expectYou knew what would make you happy. You had thought about it and made preparations for years. You had a mental checklist that was fulfilled by your spouse. You eagerly anticipated the life you always dreamed of—and hoped for. Then life happened. A baby’s arrival years before anticipated. An unexpected financial hardship. A lingering medical condition. A life so busy that time together became a precious commodity. This is not how you planned it. This was not part of the dream.

We continue this month looking at Paul Tripp’s book “What Did You Expect?” These are primarily excerpts from his book. I strongly recommend reading his book to get the full benefit of his message. You can click on the book image to the right to purchase the book.

A deeper battle

Sadly, many couples come to this point in their marriage. The details may vary, but the result is the same. The sweetness has evaporated from their marriage. The friendship has faded. The person they dated doesn’t seem to be the person they are now living with. There is a distance, coldness, impatience, and conflict that weren’t there in the beginning. Sometimes a couple will settle for coexistence living distant, parallel lives. Sometimes they will nip at each other as if they are looking for any opportunity to express their dissatisfaction. Sometimes it becomes all-out war. Sometimes couples hide behind their busyness. Sadly, many couples just walk away, never fully understanding what happened to the relationship that once brought them so much joy.

There are few couples that understand the one thing they need to understand in order for lasting change to take place in their marriage. They think their battle is with the other, or they think the circumstances in which they find themselves are what need to change. But here is the reality: all of the horizontal battles are the fruit of a deeper war. The most important war, the one that needs to be won, is not the war they are having with each other, but a war that rages within them individually. Real change is all about winning this war.

Sin is essentially antisocial

“For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.” (2 Corinthians 5:14-15 NIV)

The apostle Paul summarizes here what sin does to all of us. Sin turns us in on ourselves. Sin makes us shrink our lives to the narrow confines of our little self-defined world. Sin causes us to shrink our focus, motivation, and concern to the size of our own wants, needs, and feelings. Sin causes all of us to be way too self-aware and self-important. Sin causes us to be offended most by offenses against us and to be concerned most for what concerns us. Sin causes us to dream selfish dreams and to plan self-oriented plans. Because of sin, we really do love us, and have a wonderful plan for our lives!

But there is more. Sin dehumanizes the people in our lives. No longer are they objects of our willing affection. Instead, they are reduced to two things. They are either vehicles to help us get what we want, or obstacles in the way of what we want. When your spouse is meeting the demands of your wants, needs, and feelings, you are quite excited about them, and you treat them with affection. But when they become an obstacle in the way of your wants, needs, and feelings, you have a hard time hiding your disappointment, impatience, and irritation.

There is a constant war being fought in all our hearts between the kingdom of self and the kingdom of God. Every battle you have with other people is the result of that deeper war. God didn’t give us his grace to make our kingdoms work; he gave us his grace to invite us to a much, much better kingdom.

God’s transforming grace

Think about how little of your anger over the last month had anything whatsoever to do with the kingdom of God. Your anger seldom comes out of a zeal for the plans, purposes, values, and calling of the kingdom of God. When you are hurt, angry, or disappointed with your spouse, it is not because they have broken the laws of God’s kingdom. You are most often angry because your spouse has broken the laws of your kingdom. Your spouse is in the way of what you want, and that makes you mad, and it prompts you to do or say something that will enlist your spouse back into the service of your wants, needs, and feelings.

But God’s grace is intended to explode that. His grace purposes to expose and free you from your bondage to you. His grace is meant to bring you to the end of yourself so that you will finally begin to place your identity, your meaning and purpose, and your inner sense of well-being in him. So he places you in a relationship with another flawed person, in the midst of a broken world. True righteousness begins when we come to the end of ourselves and give up our own dreams and agenda and rely on God’s grace. The trouble you face in your marriage is not evidence of the failure of grace. On the contrary, those troubles are grace. They are the tools God uses to dismantle our own shabby kingdom for the glorious kingdom of our Lord and Christ.

God is near and loves us with transforming love. He is carefully bringing us to the end of ourselves, and is making us into people who find joy in loving others with the same kind of extravagant love he has given us.

So, I leave you with some questions to consider: Whose kingdom shapes your marriage? Whose kingdom defines your dream? What really makes you happy? Is it possible that what you thought was love was not really kingdom-of-God, other-centered love? Does your anger reveal how committed you are to the purposes of your own kingdom? Could it be that the troubles you face in your marriage are not so much hassles as they are opportunities? Just when you thought God had abandoned you and your marriage, is it possible that he is, in fact, really very near giving you the best gift ever—transforming grace?

Reconciling your marriage begins when you begin to reconcile with God.

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Paul David Tripp is the president of Paul Tripp Ministries, a nonprofit organization, whose mission statement is “Connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life.” This mission leads Paul to weekly speaking engagements around the world. In addition to being a gifted communicator Paul is the Executive Director of the Center for Pastoral Life and Care in Fort Worth, Texas, and has taught at respected institutions worldwide. Paul has written twelve books on Christian Living that are read and distributed internationally, including Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands; War of Words; Broken Down House; and Crossway’s Whiter Than Snow. Get more information or purchase the book “What Did You Expect?” He has been married for many years to Luella and they have four grown children. For more information and resources visit paultrippministries.org.