what-did-you-expectEveryone searches for hope. Everybody looks for a reason to continue. Everyone wants to know that what they give themselves to will prove to be worth it. The things we say and do are rooted in deeply ingrained thoughts and desires. We are all on a lifelong treasure hunt. Your treasure may not be my treasure, but we’re both treasure hunters just the same.

We continue this month looking at Paul Tripp’s book “What Did You Expect?” These are primarily excerpts from his book. I strongly recommend reading his book to get the full benefit of his message. You can click on the book image to the right to purchase the book.

Not the way it was meant to be

It happens to everyone. It is the unavoidable reality of marriage. Somehow, someway, every marriage—at times—becomes a struggle. The person who was once your escape from responsibility has become your most significant responsibility. Reasons for attraction now become sources of irritation. We are all confronted with the fact that in some way our marriage is not what it was meant to be. Why is that?

Because you are a sinner, married to a sinner, living together in a broken world. You need something sturdier than romance. You need something deeper than shared interests and mutual attraction. You need more than marital survival skills. You need something that gives you peace of heart and strength of resolve when you aren’t feeling romantic and your problems are getting you down.

Rooted in worship

So, what does give you reason to continue when the little problems have gotten under your skin or the big problems have left you devastated? What produces a marriage with sturdy love, unity, and understanding? A marriage of love, unity, and understanding is not rooted in romance; it is rooted in worship.

What does it mean to say that a marriage is “rooted in worship?” When most people hear the word worship, they think of a gathering—of singing songs, a sermon, maybe communion. But there is a biblical truth embedded in this word that is vital to understand if you are ever going to figure out why you struggle in your marriage and how those struggles will ever get solved. Here it is: Worship is first your identity before it is ever your activity. You are a worshiper, so everything you think, desire, choose, do, or say is shaped by worship.

When the Bible says that we are worshipers, it means that every human being lives for something. All of us are digging for treasure. Being a worshiper means that you attach your identity, your meaning and purpose, and your inner sense of well-being to something. You either get these things vertically (from the Creator) or you look to get them horizontally (from the creation). This insight has everything to do with how a marriage becomes what it is. No marriage will be unaffected when the people in the marriage are seeking to get from the creation what they were only ever meant to get from the Creator.

I have become more and more persuaded that marriages are fixed vertically before they are ever fixed horizontally. We have to deal with what is driving us before we ever deal with how we are reacting to one another. When God is in his rightful place, then we are on the way to putting people in their rightful place. But there is more. I am convinced that it is only in the worship of God in our marriages that we find reason to continue.

What does a marriage rooted in worship of God look like?

At the foundational level, the difficulties in our marriages do not first come because we don’t love one another enough. They happen because we don’t love God enough; and because we don’t love God enough we don’t treat one another with the kind of love that makes marriages work. Worship that gives you sturdy marital love and a reason to continue will flow out of three ways that you must worship God.

A marriage of love, unity, and understanding will flow out of a daily worship of God as CREATOR.

In subtle and not so subtle ways we all question the Creator, and in so doing we dishonor and disrespect our husband or wife. When we celebrate the Creator, we look at one another with wonder and joy. It is only when you look at your spouse and see the glory of God’s creative artistry that you will treat them with the dignity and respect that a healthy marriage requires.

A marriage of love, unity, and understanding will flow out of a daily worship of God as SOVEREIGN.

When you begin to celebrate the sovereignty of God and how he formed you and brought you and your spouse together for his glory and your good, you quit being irritated by your differences and start celebrating how your life has been enhanced by them. As a result, you will not only give room to your spouse’s sensibilities, but you will honor him or her in what you say and do in those moments when you are confronted with your differences in how you approach the very same things.

A marriage of love, unity, and understanding will flow out of a daily worship of God as SAVIOR.

There is no area that is more important than this. It doesn’t take long to realize that you have married a sinner, and what you do with that knowledge will determine the character and quality of your union. You will only respond in a way that is right, good, and helpful to your spouse’s sin, weakness, and struggle when you are celebrating the transforming grace of an ever-present, always-faithful Redeemer. The fact is that no one gives grace better than someone who is convinced that he or she needs it, as well.

You are not alone. Your creating, ruling, transforming Lord is still with you. He has brought your stories together and placed them right in the middle of his redemptive story. As long as he is Creator, as long as he is sovereign, and as long as he is the Savior, you have reason to get up in the morning and love one another, even though you aren’t yet what he created you to be.

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Paul David Tripp is the president of Paul Tripp Ministries, a nonprofit organization, whose mission statement is “Connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life.” This mission leads Paul to weekly speaking engagements around the world. In addition to being a gifted communicator Paul is the Executive Director of the Center for Pastoral Life and Care in Fort Worth, Texas, and has taught at respected institutions worldwide. Paul has written twelve books on Christian Living that are read and distributed internationally, including Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands; War of Words; Broken Down House; and Crossway’s Whiter Than Snow. Get more information or purchase the book “What Did You Expect?” He has been married for many years to Luella and they have four grown children. For more information and resources visit paultrippministries.org.