By Jim Burns, Ph.D.
When you hurt someone with words or actions, it’s not always easy to say the words, “I’m sorry.” At the same time, there is nothing more frustrating than the feeling that you are always apologizing to a friend, your spouse or your children, but no matter how many times you apologize, your apology just doesn’t seem to get through. While apologizing is the road to rebuilding a relationship, it turns out that it is a fine art most of us haven’t mastered. Relationship expert Gary Chapman has identified five successful ways to apologize.
According to Chapman, we all have “primary” languages of apology – the one or two ways that we feel most comfortable with giving and receiving an apology. Typically, these are the ones we personally consider to be the most important components of an apology. Still, if our apologies are to be successful, we need to be mindful of the “primary” languages of apology that most connect with the person we’ve offended – and make attempt to express our apology in those ways. Chapman suggests that if we don’t know the other person’s primary apology language, we try to use all five languages in an apology.
1. Expressing Regret. This is the emotional component of an apology, the “I’m sorry.” This is admitting that you’ve hurt someone and that you are hurting because you’ve caused him or her pain.
2. Accepting Responsibility. This step is often overlooked in today’s culture, but it is a necessary one for a successful apology. Regardless of whether or not the hurt was intentional or unintentional, accepting responsibility means stating, “I was wrong. It was my fault.”
3. Making Restitution. This language takes the apology to another level by asking, “What can I do to make this wrong right?” It demonstrates a willingness to take action to bring healing to the relationship.
4. Repentance. This step acknowledges your sentiment that you don’t want the offense to happen again, and that you’ll take all necessary steps within your power to see that it does not reoccur. This requires both a plan and implementation of the plan to keep the offense from happening again.
5. Requesting Forgiveness. Asking for forgiveness, “Will you forgive me for what I’ve done to hurt you?” reflects the spiritual nature of our offense. The person you’ve hurt may choose not to forgive you. You can’t force forgiveness, but asking for it is the right thing to do. (See Matthew 5:23-24.) Whether the person chooses to forgive is his or her responsibility, not yours.
Finally, we often find ourselves waiting to hear an apology from those we feel have hurt us, while they are waiting for us to apologize to them, because they feel we have hurt them. Does this sound familiar? Regardless of who started the conflict, these hurts build a barrier in the relationship. The simple truth is the barrier will remain until someone is willing to take the initiative to resolve the hurt. Even if you didn’t start the conflict, take the initiative to apologize for your role in what happened. In doing so, you’ll make it easier for the other person to apologize.
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