what-did-you-expectThis month we begin looking at Commitment 5: We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace. Unity in marriage is not the result of sameness. Unity is, rather, the result of what husband and wife do in the face of the inevitable differences that exist in the lives of every married couple.

We continue this month looking at Paul Tripp’s book “What Did You Expect?” These are primarily excerpts from his book. I strongly recommend reading his book to get the full benefit of his message. You can click on the book image to the right to purchase the book.

The artist of your marriage

When you start with Genesis 1, you are confronted with the fact that it is virtually impossible for you to marry someone who is like you. Because you were not formed by some evolutionary factory that manufactured you by a strict set of scientific formulas but by the hand of an infinite divine artist, you are unique. There is no one quite like you. You will never marry your clone, and in marriage you will never be able to turn your spouse into your clone.

You will never be exactly the same as your spouse. God has designed that you will be married to someone different from you. So, what are you able to do with the differences between you and your spouse, which constantly confront you in your marriage? Let me suggest some things.

Celebrate your Creator

Dealing with your differences in a way that builds a sturdy bond of unity between you begins here. The more you look at your spouse and see the imprint of God’s fingers and are amazed, the more you will be able to resist the temptation to try and remake him or her in your own image. Here is the bottom line: the more you look at your spouse and honor God as creator, the more you will tend to esteem and appreciate the person who you live with, who is so incredibly different from you.

Refuse to see the differences as right or wrong

When we talk about what the creator has hardwired into your spouse, we are not talking about things that are morally right or wrong. For instance, A husband could be very time-oriented and a wife may be more focused on the task she is doing or the person she is with. These two values will cause conflict in a marriage, but neither husband or wife is right or wrong for being this way. They are hardwired that way.

When you begin to think and act as though your hardwiring makes you better, more mature, or more righteous than your spouse, you will act and respond in ways that are dismissive and disrespectful.

Determine to respond to your differences with appreciation and respect

This will take a change in orientation, attitude, and action for many of us. We are used to being impatient and irritated in the face of differences. We are used to subtly disrespecting those differences. And we are used to doing what is necessary to get our own way. Here’s what you need to face: those responses are more about your relationship with God than they are about your relationship with your spouse. It is not your spouse’s choices you are rejecting, but God’s. Every difference is an opportunity to celebrate God’s creative artistry and a chance to communicate specific respect and appreciation for who God has formed your spouse to be.

Admit where your differences challenge you to grow

I can be pretty impatient when it comes to Sharon’s challenges with computers and technology. And she can be impatient with my forgetfulness. These are just two of them many ways Sharon and I are different. The struggle comes when we realize these differences are calling us to change. I need to be more patient. I need to be more appreciative and respectful. I need to be kinder and more encouraging in those moments when we are discussing our differences. I need to have my selfishness exposed.

It’s easy to forget what God is after. He uses these differences in our hardwiring to expose our character deficiencies. When we acknowledge and agree with God’s creative choices in our spouse’s hardwiring, we quit trying to change them to be like us and commit ourselves to building unity in the midst of those differences. In short, we extend grace as we have been given grace by our creator.

So what do you do when you are hit with how different you are from your spouse? Here are a few suggestions and then we will talk about it more in next month’s post.

Don’t run away in fear. You haven’t made a horrible mistake. No one has ever married someone who is completely like them.

Don’t try to comfort yourself by denying the differences that are actually there.

Don’t resist the other person and fight for your way as if your way is the only way. Remember, when you resist your spouse, you are really resisting God.

Don’t allow yourself to be dragged into needless debates and petty battles. Work on differences that make a difference.

It really is a gorgeous plan; in your marriage God will take you where you never thought you would go in order to give you what you could not achieve on your own. He is working on something that is very good—lasting personal change—and he is with you during the process, giving you what you need, to be what you have been designed to be, and to do what you have been designed to do.

Next month we continue looking at Commitment 5: We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace.

[divider]

Paul David Tripp is the president of Paul Tripp Ministries, a nonprofit organization, whose mission statement is “Connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life.” This mission leads Paul to weekly speaking engagements around the world. In addition to being a gifted communicator Paul is the Executive Director of the Center for Pastoral Life and Care in Fort Worth, Texas, and has taught at respected institutions worldwide. Paul has written twelve books on Christian Living that are read and distributed internationally, including Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands; War of Words; Broken Down House; and Crossway’s Whiter Than Snow. Get more information or purchase the book ”What Did You Expect?” He has been married for many years to Luella and they have four grown children. For more information and resources visit paultrippministries.org.